Sir Alan’s PA: Sir Alan will see you all now.
(Hundreds of sharp-suited, worried-looking people troop into the boardroom and fight for the few available seats).
Sir Alan: Right, this task was very simple. All the teams had to do was fill in their expenses in a way that was fair and was seen to be fair. First, who was the team leader?
Gordon Brown: That would be me, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: (To everyone else) Was he a good team leader?
Sir Alan: Interesting... Now according to the figures I’ve seen, this team, as well as claiming all sorts of cash for staying in second homes, even though some of them were in spitting distance of Parliament, have also claimed for things as apparently ‘essential’ to their work as bath robes, loo seats, hanging baskets, pot plants, rug repairs, nappies, oven mitts and a pouffe. This is crazy, who is responsible for this money-no-object mess?
Gordon Brown: Sir Alan, we realise we’ve done wrong and have been doing wrong for a long time and now that the newspaper has exposed us, we’ve suddenly realised we had to do something about it.
Sir Alan: So why didn’t you do anything about it before if you knew it was wrong?
Voice from the back: We were only following the rules.
Second Voice from the back: Jah, ve vere only obeying ze orders.
(A small, strange-looking ginger- haired woman starts waving around a cheque saying she will pay it all back. Sir Alan shakes his head and looks at the other team).
Sir Alan: So who was your team leader?
David Cameron: That would be me, Sir Alan – and can I just say how much I admire you?
Sir Alan: Ummm... So was he a good team leader?
(There are a few appreciative mutterings and one voice from the back shouts “well at least he’s better than Iain Duncan Smith”).
Sir Alan: So tell me, then, how come your team claimed for light bulbs, rodent control, horse manure, a chandelier, pipe work at tennis courts, work around a helipad and swimming pool problems?
David Cameron: I know these things look bad but I’m going to take very firm action because I’m a very firm kinda guy.
Sir Alan: Well, I think it sounds like you’re all a disaster. Nick and Margaret, how much profit did the two teams make?
Nick: They both made an enormous amount for themselves – but not much for anyone else.
Sir Alan: I just cannot believe what I’m hearing. People from the team sitting on the left have clearly forgotten their roots and those sitting on the right seem to only represent people with swimming pools and chandeliers. You’re an out-of-touch rabble – you’re all fired.
David Cameron/Gordon Brown: But who will run the country?
Nick Clegg: I will!
Sir Alan: And who are you? I’ve never seen you before in my life but I know your lot were stupid enough not to choose Vince Cable as project leader so so you’re all sacked as well.
(MPs troop out sadly, get into a fleet of waiting taxis and the BBC studios to talk to Adrian Chiles. Cut back to boardroom...).
Margaret: Well, it looks as if there’s nobody left, so who is going to run the country?
Sir Alan: I suppose I could. I’ll be Prime Minister; Nick, you can be Chancellor; and Margaret, you can be Home Secretary. We can always get Joanna Lumley to take over defence.
(There is a knock at the door and in walks the aforementioned strange-looking woman with ginger hair, still holding her cheque. Sir Alan dismisses her. Another MP then files in).
Anonymous, greedy, snout in the trough MP: Can I confirm Sir Alan – can we claim for the taxis?