Wednesday, 20 May 2009

My application for role as Speaker

Dear Gordon,

I would like to apply for the position of Speaker as I understand the role is soon to be vacated.

First of all forgive me if I have sent this to the wrong person but I know you are the ‘top banana’ in these things and having seen your winning smile on You Tube recently I sense you are a kind man who will treat my application seriously.

I think honesty is the best policy – particularly in the light of what many of your naughty colleagues have been up to! – so let me say straight away that I don’t actually fully understand what the Speaker does.

I suspect (to be even more honest) that hardly anyone in the country really does know what this odd job is all about but in recent days everyone seems to have been talking about the role with great gravity as if it is the cornerstone of world civilisation.

That sort of ‘kudos’ sounds good to me and can’t harm the old CV, hence this application. (And hey, the perks don’t seem bad either!).

I was also further encouraged to apply when I heard on that programme where Jeremy Paxman just sneers at everyone (and boy has he been going into sneering overdrive of late!) someone say that The Speaker is the third most important person in the country after The Queen and The Prime Minister.

Now, I know that is a bit ridiculous – had this guy never heard of David Beckham, Simon Cowell, Peggy Mitchell, Katie Price or Susan Boyle I wondered? – but nevertheless I feel as I am unlikely to become a monarch or indeed the PM any time soon this may be the perfect chance for me to finally hit the ‘big time.’

Clearly I am not an MP which may (in itself) be considered a bit of a disadvantage but I do sort of like politics (I have every one of the West Wing DVDs and I love The Thick Of It) and I am sure I can say ‘order, order’ and act statesmanlike as well as the next man (particularly if the ‘next’ man is called Michael Martin!)

I can’t deny I would also like a crack at a bit of power to get over some of my personal concerns.

For example, if we can get a man to the moon and create peace in Northern Ireland how hard can it be to give Bath Rugby an extra 15 per cent of space in our city centre? And I would also like the chance to persuade you and every other MP that not everyone in Bath actually lives in the Royal Crescent and so yes, we do need Government investment in our schools and health service as well thank you.

But, fear not, I won’t be parochial and I will take an interest in the whole country – yes, even Bristol.

I will also make sure that unlike the last bloke I really will crack down on MPs’ expenses.

I will, for example, ban MPs from having moats wider than the sort children put around sandcastles, I make sure that the only horse manure MPs can use is what they have personally collected themselves from nearby farms (local manure for local people I say!) and I will also ban Hazel Blears.

Above all I can be fair (well, sometimes), impartial (apart from at sporting events) and I am sure I will look very good in black gowns.

Mr Brown, I know this is a tough time for you (I have to keep replaying that You Tube video to remind me what it was like when you actually even smiled) but I believe by making me Speaker you can remove one big obstacle from your life. You can then return to dealing with issues that are obviously easier for you like, err, the economy.

Best wishes from your next third most important person in the UK . . .


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