You're hired Tom - but I doubt I would be

This originally appeared in the Bath Chronicle on Thursday, July 21, the week after former Bath student Tom Pellereau won the Apprentice...


Like I'm sure a lot of people with Bath connections, I let out a hearty cheer on Sunday night when one of our own scooped the The Apprentice title.

Tom Pellereau, a former University of Bath graduate, defied all the speculation to win the top prize and become a business partner with the enigmatic Lord Sugar.

The combination of Tom's brains and inventiveness with the 'good' Lord's famed business acumen should make for a winning partnership and it is certain we'll be hearing a lot more from our former graduate in the years to come.

But it wasn't only because of his local connections that I'm sure many people were pleased Tom had won the contest.

In among the usual collection of ego-driven, cliche-ridden candidates, Tom stood out as being a decent and honourable chap who, unlike some of his fellow colleagues, probably wasn't prepared to sell his granny and all her possessions to win. He had a steel that he revealed when needed and never lost his dignity en route. So well done to our Bath grad.

One of the things I like about The Apprentice is that it is the one (and I think only) television programme that truly unites our editorial office. Even people who would normally rather put the proverbial pin in their eyes than admit to liking reality TV seem to really warm to The Apprentice and it is for that reason I've long regarded it as the middle class Big Brother. It is reality TV for those who don't like reality TV.

In our office if you come into work on a Thursday morning the first thing you do is pick up a copy of this excellent newspaper (of course) and the second thing you do is discuss the previous night's Apprentice You can feel like a bit of a social pariah if you missed the edition and there seems to even be a pecking order in terms of your credibility about whether you watched the follow up You're Fired programme as well. Your kudos goes up if you watched The Apprentice but dips slightly if you didn't watch Dara O Briain's excellent sister act show. It's just that kind of television programme - you have to watch it with the same commitment as the candidates.

Inevitably perhaps, because it is a show we all seem to like and talk about at our office, you do wonder if you and your colleagues and friends would do well in it.

Personally, I have to admit, I don't think I'd be a very good candidate. I like to think I have a few ideas, I can work well as a team member and will happily project manage, but I'm not sure if I would really score with some of the practical tasks that are required. In saying that, however, I am pretty certain that unlike in the programme this year, I would know that the concept of popcorn being the new biscuit is ludicrous, that the French do indeed love their children and that you don't impress people who love their pooches by urging them that they want to give their pet a food called Every Dog.

So I'll stick to watching, I think. After all, if I don't I might not be allowed in the office of a Thursday.

Cinema + Sofa = a great place for a Facebook movie

Last Sunday night I did what I’m sure many of you were doing at the time – I sat on my sofa and got lost in the online world of Facebook.

But no, I wasn’t sitting at home. I was actually in one of my very favourite places in Bath – the Little Theatre – watching a film about how Facebook slowly devoured the world around us. In a cinema.

On a settee.

For the Little Theatre has introduced a new balcony which allows you to sit and watch a film on a lovely two seater sofa complete with beautifully plumped-up cushions. It feels like home from home – although my own sofa is not nearly as nice as theirs – and I’m sure will be lovely if you were part of a canoodling couple. (Unlike me as I was with my 17-year-old-son who’s never a great one for canoodling, to be honest).

I have to say that opinions between us on the ‘sofa in the cinema’ experience were polar opposites. I thought it was a wonderful luxury because, as I put it, “it’s like watching the film at home”. But that was exactly the problem for him. Even at the tender age of 17 he’s a cinema traditionalist and he said he goes out to the cinema precisely because he doesn’t want to watch a film at home. I’m sure he would feel different if he was in a canoodling mood though ...

As for the film itself, The Social Network, I simply cannot recommend it enough. It is the remarkable, true (?) story of a nerdy young man who had fallen out with his girlfriend and wanted a way of telling the world about it who stumbled on the idea of Facebook. It now has 500 million users and has made our ‘hero’ the youngest billionaire on the planet.

The story charts the rise and rise of the site and the rise and fall of his friends who helped him to set it up and is told in shifting time between court cases and the university days where it all started. It is a great film – beautifully acted and stylishly written by Aaron Sorkin, the genius behind the brilliant West Wing. He is a man that dares to treat audiences as if they’ve got intelligence but want to be entertained as well.

As someone who contributed to a BBC radio debate this week about the rise of the internet and how people shouldn’t be frightened of it, I am fascinated by the whole Facebook story because so many people are obsessed with it, and yet I’m sure we’ve all got items of clothing that are older than this now seemingly universal site.

To actually see how it came together almost by accident proves the point that some of the best ideas come from the most unlikely people and the most unlikely sources. Intriguingly, the man behind it barely saw any financial benefits and, as becomes very clear in the movie, he was never motivated by money and apparently isn’t so today.

That’s why much as I love the current series of The Apprentice, if you’re looking for the future brains in our country, I think you’d be better looking at the unlikeliest kid in the classroom rather than the sharp-suited people trying to impress Lord SirAllunSugar.

So, if you get the chance, pop along and see The Social Network and if you want to enjoy it in unique circumstances then why not curl up on the sofa at the Little Theatre?

The only problem is you may drift off to sleep in that settee. But don’t worry – I can reveal that the man from Facebook did well.

Sir Alan Sugar tackles the Expenses issue

Sir Alan’s PA: Sir Alan will see you all now.

(Hundreds of sharp-suited, worried-looking people troop into the boardroom and fight for the few available seats).

Sir Alan: Right, this task was very simple. All the teams had to do was fill in their expenses in a way that was fair and was seen to be fair. First, who was the team leader?

Gordon Brown: That would be me, Sir Alan.

Sir Alan: (To everyone else) Was he a good team leader?

Silence

Sir Alan: Interesting... Now according to the figures I’ve seen, this team, as well as claiming all sorts of cash for staying in second homes, even though some of them were in spitting distance of Parliament, have also claimed for things as apparently ‘essential’ to their work as bath robes, loo seats, hanging baskets, pot plants, rug repairs, nappies, oven mitts and a pouffe. This is crazy, who is responsible for this money-no-object mess?

Gordon Brown: Sir Alan, we realise we’ve done wrong and have been doing wrong for a long time and now that the newspaper has exposed us, we’ve suddenly realised we had to do something about it.

Sir Alan: So why didn’t you do anything about it before if you knew it was wrong?

Silence.

Voice from the back: We were only following the rules.

Second Voice from the back: Jah, ve vere only obeying ze orders.

(A small, strange-looking ginger- haired woman starts waving around a cheque saying she will pay it all back. Sir Alan shakes his head and looks at the other team).

Sir Alan: So who was your team leader?

David Cameron: That would be me, Sir Alan – and can I just say how much I admire you?

Sir Alan: Ummm... So was he a good team leader?

(There are a few appreciative mutterings and one voice from the back shouts “well at least he’s better than Iain Duncan Smith”).

Sir Alan: So tell me, then, how come your team claimed for light bulbs, rodent control, horse manure, a chandelier, pipe work at tennis courts, work around a helipad and swimming pool problems?

David Cameron: I know these things look bad but I’m going to take very firm action because I’m a very firm kinda guy.

Sir Alan: Well, I think it sounds like you’re all a disaster. Nick and Margaret, how much profit did the two teams make?

Nick: They both made an enormous amount for themselves – but not much for anyone else.

Sir Alan: I just cannot believe what I’m hearing. People from the team sitting on the left have clearly forgotten their roots and those sitting on the right seem to only represent people with swimming pools and chandeliers. You’re an out-of-touch rabble – you’re all fired.

David Cameron/Gordon Brown: But who will run the country?

Nick Clegg: I will!

Sir Alan: And who are you? I’ve never seen you before in my life but I know your lot were stupid enough not to choose Vince Cable as project leader so so you’re all sacked as well.

(MPs troop out sadly, get into a fleet of waiting taxis and the BBC studios to talk to Adrian Chiles. Cut back to boardroom...).

Margaret: Well, it looks as if there’s nobody left, so who is going to run the country?

Sir Alan: I suppose I could. I’ll be Prime Minister; Nick, you can be Chancellor; and Margaret, you can be Home Secretary. We can always get Joanna Lumley to take over defence.

(There is a knock at the door and in walks the aforementioned strange-looking woman with ginger hair, still holding her cheque. Sir Alan dismisses her. Another MP then files in).

Anonymous, greedy, snout in the trough MP: Can I confirm Sir Alan – can we claim for the taxis?